So I was finally matched with someone that I considered "good looking" and he was a doctor! I was extremely nervous. I had a feeling that he might be a bit out of my league. He was wearing a pretty tight t-shirt in his photos and to be frank, I haven't been in that great of shape since I was 23, but I was trying to be optimistic. Maybe my personality would trump the size of my ass. We talked on the phone several times and made plans to meet for drinks last Thursday, which I thought would give me plenty of time to tan, get a pedicure, and buy something flattering to wear on my hot date. No such luck. He called me last minute to let me know that he got tickets to the opening night of Wicked! I knew I couldn't say no, so I did my best to make due with what I had in my closet and left work early to get ready. Well the show was phenominal, but it was difficult to talk and he didn't really show much personality. He was pretty cute, but he didn't quite look like his photos. He was actually very very lean. Not really my type and I was pretty sure I wasn't his either, but trust me, I was willing to make an exception if he showed interest in me. We had a nice time, but I knew there wasn't much of a spark. He asked me what I was up to this weekend and told me that he and his friends would be out, if I wanted to give him a call. I sent him a text, but didn't hear back. I'm quite sure he had his hands full with the ladies downtown. Any 34 year old living in a loft downtown is probably not really looking for something serious. We'll see...maybe he'll call me the next time he has tickets to a show. I like free stuff, even if there is no love connection. I'm not holding my breath though...I think the doctor is out.
Seriously,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Computer Nerd
I literally thought I was going to be the Computer Nerd’s pen pal for life. After about 20 emails he finally decided to get my phone number and ask me out. For a guy that sits in a room and fixes computers all day, Computer Nerd was actually pretty funny in his emails so I was interested to find out what he would be like in person.
We decide to meet at a restaurant near both of our houses. Computer Nerd is sitting on a bench waiting for me outside of the restaurant. He has on a white shirt, black pants, white socks and black shoes. That’s right…I said WHITE SOCKS. You couldn’t miss them! While he is a computer nerd and probably doesn’t know a bunch about fashion, you would think black pants, BLACK socks, black shoes would be common sense. I tried not to obsess about the white socks by telling myself that maybe it was his own personal tribute to the late King of Pop. RIP MJ.
Aside from the white socks Computer Nerd was actually normal (two dates in a row with regular guys…I’m on a roll!) and was funny in person too. He was a little bit dorky but was also very self-aware and even pointed out the fact that he was kind of a dork. The night ended after dinner was over, but overall it was a nice evening. We’ll see what happens.
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
We decide to meet at a restaurant near both of our houses. Computer Nerd is sitting on a bench waiting for me outside of the restaurant. He has on a white shirt, black pants, white socks and black shoes. That’s right…I said WHITE SOCKS. You couldn’t miss them! While he is a computer nerd and probably doesn’t know a bunch about fashion, you would think black pants, BLACK socks, black shoes would be common sense. I tried not to obsess about the white socks by telling myself that maybe it was his own personal tribute to the late King of Pop. RIP MJ.
Aside from the white socks Computer Nerd was actually normal (two dates in a row with regular guys…I’m on a roll!) and was funny in person too. He was a little bit dorky but was also very self-aware and even pointed out the fact that he was kind of a dork. The night ended after dinner was over, but overall it was a nice evening. We’ll see what happens.
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Another one bites the dust
Another online boyfriend has slipped through the cracks. He has no nickname because there was nothing about him that lent to a good nickname. My friends know him as the chubby guy with the kid, although it’s a little unkind…it’s true. (You have to do something to separate all the boys!) We literally made it through ALL 8,000 steps eHarmony offers to make sure two people are compatible, which is a process I find questionable….but that’s a whole different blog. We emailed, we spoke on the phone, he emailed asking if I would be free a certain day of the week, I emailed a response…..then nothing. Nada. I can only assume that he has suffered some horrific tragedy in which his hands and vocal chords have been disabled. Therefore, he has been unable to email/call/text to tell me how bad he feels for blowing me off.
Get well soon chubby guy with a kid!
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Get well soon chubby guy with a kid!
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A shirt only a mother would love
Cool kitty cat shirt, man! I know my mom, aunts, grandmothers and all of their friends would LOVE to know where you bought it. On the other hand, there is no good reason for a 30-something man to wear a picture of a kitty cat in an overall pocket on a t-shirt. I'm just sayin.
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Dear Mom, I met the most AMAZING guy!
Dear Mom,
I met the most AMAZING guy while online dating. I’m sure you noticed the picture I’ve attached. I know you said nice normal girls don’t find boyfriends on the Internet, but I think I beat the odds. For starters, he’s in band….you can see him with his drum in the picture. He had a lot to choose from on his profile so I just picked the best one to show you. His favorite book is Where the Red Fern Grows. I mean, you can argue that he hasn’t read a book since junior high, when everyone else I know read that book. I’d like to think he was SO MOVED by the story he always remembered it. Oh, and he’s an athlete! He’s SO fantastic at playing foosball...that's right, I said FOOSBALL....that he has won several world championships…his online profile said so. I mean, he says he was THIS close to going pro. Sure foosball is probably a lesser known professional sport, but I think Dad will be really excited that I’m dating an athlete. Cross your fingers…he just might be the one!!
I met the most AMAZING guy while online dating. I’m sure you noticed the picture I’ve attached. I know you said nice normal girls don’t find boyfriends on the Internet, but I think I beat the odds. For starters, he’s in band….you can see him with his drum in the picture. He had a lot to choose from on his profile so I just picked the best one to show you. His favorite book is Where the Red Fern Grows. I mean, you can argue that he hasn’t read a book since junior high, when everyone else I know read that book. I’d like to think he was SO MOVED by the story he always remembered it. Oh, and he’s an athlete! He’s SO fantastic at playing foosball...that's right, I said FOOSBALL....that he has won several world championships…his online profile said so. I mean, he says he was THIS close to going pro. Sure foosball is probably a lesser known professional sport, but I think Dad will be really excited that I’m dating an athlete. Cross your fingers…he just might be the one!!
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Mykol
So I was matched today with a guy named Mykol...not Michael...but Mykol. I know it's not his fault that his parents wanted to get creative, but really?! You have to know that the guy's parents are probably "different" and that must have had an influence on him in some way shape or form, but still, I decided to give the guy a chance and check out his profile. No surprise...there was no photo available...maybe he's different looking too. My last resort was the profile. He said that the last thing he read was The Great Gatsby...because it reminded him of himself? Seriously? Didn't you read that in high school like everyone else? Which part reminds you of yourself? Did you just make that up because putting down Maxim Magazine looked bad? Trust me...honesty would have won you more points with me and I'm just not buying that one.
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Future President?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Really? Did you think I was blind?
This guy's profile says that he is 34! Really? Those clothes may be 34, but I'm quite sure you are not. Did you think that your matches would be blind or just too stupid to notice? I hope someone reports your 70's portrait and if for some reason you really look like that at 34...God Help You!
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sunday, July 26, 2009
UPDATE -- Normal Guy
I know you are probably DYING to know what happened with Normal Guy, and even if you aren’t here it is….Drinks with Normal Guy happened about two weeks ago. There were a few text messages sent back and forth, but I did not get asked on another date after our happy hour, which is okay…except I’m a little sad about missing out on those free candy bars. I’m serious….I have a major sweet tooth, and I think his parents would have been the perfect enablers.
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
The Normal Guy
I think I definitely hit rock-bottom in the online dating world with Ginger Man so I figured the next guy I went out with HAD to be better than the socially awkward, heavy-breathing Ginger. Thanks goodness the next guy was normal….hence the nickname Normal Guy.
We met for drinks after work one day. He looked mostly like I thought he would. He was a really nice guy and could carry on a conversation. SIDE NOTE – I think it’s really sad that I had to adjust my “standards” to include someone that can carry on a conversation….you would think that most people would just be able to do that….not so much I’m learning. Ok, back the Normal Guy, he was short for a guy but still taller than me with heels on….so that’s good. He has a job and a car and a place to live and a really cute dog….also good. He was not missing any of his teeth…still good. The strangest thing about him was that he talked about finding a girlfriend and getting married in the near future….extensively. But compared to some of my other online boyfriends, we all know it could have been much worse. One more good thing….his parents apparently sell candy bars to schools for fundraisers so they have A TON of chocolate laying around their house that they just give to people when they come over. I am going to work on getting myself invited to his parent’s house…..whether it’s with or without Normal Guy. Who wouldn’t want FREE CHOCOLATE?!?
Even if I never speak to this guy again, at least he gives me hope that there are nice, normal dudes my age that are still single.
WOW is all I have to say…but I mean it a nice way this time
NG
We met for drinks after work one day. He looked mostly like I thought he would. He was a really nice guy and could carry on a conversation. SIDE NOTE – I think it’s really sad that I had to adjust my “standards” to include someone that can carry on a conversation….you would think that most people would just be able to do that….not so much I’m learning. Ok, back the Normal Guy, he was short for a guy but still taller than me with heels on….so that’s good. He has a job and a car and a place to live and a really cute dog….also good. He was not missing any of his teeth…still good. The strangest thing about him was that he talked about finding a girlfriend and getting married in the near future….extensively. But compared to some of my other online boyfriends, we all know it could have been much worse. One more good thing….his parents apparently sell candy bars to schools for fundraisers so they have A TON of chocolate laying around their house that they just give to people when they come over. I am going to work on getting myself invited to his parent’s house…..whether it’s with or without Normal Guy. Who wouldn’t want FREE CHOCOLATE?!?
Even if I never speak to this guy again, at least he gives me hope that there are nice, normal dudes my age that are still single.
WOW is all I have to say…but I mean it a nice way this time
NG
My Date with a Ginger
Honestly, I don’t really have anything nice to say about this guy except that he paid…so keep that tiny piece of positivity (I learned that word from the pot-head) in mind while reading this. Here's the semi-short version….
I knew this was going to end badly before I ever met this red-headed hunk of a man. I had an extremely awkward phone conversation with this one the day before our “date.” To sum it up….the Ginger Man did not want to do anything I suggested but had no ideas of his own, which was frustrating to me because I’m a planner. He decided we should go to the movies – very original.
On the day of the date….the Ginger’s 15 minutes late. Whe he finally decides to grace me with his ginger presence, he's A LOT heavier in person than in ANY of his pictures (we’re talking the difference between a little chubby and overweight, people) and extremely socially awkward. Oh, and he’s one of those really sweaty, heavy-breathing overweight men. We watched a movie . Afterwards, I made it to my car as quickly as I could (without actually sprinting) so I could put an end to one of the most uncomfortable situations I’ve ever been in.
BUT REMEMBER….HE PAID!
Thanks for the movie Ginger Man. I hope you find a nice girl one day who enjoys watching cartoon movies as much as you do.
WOW is all I have to say!
NG
I knew this was going to end badly before I ever met this red-headed hunk of a man. I had an extremely awkward phone conversation with this one the day before our “date.” To sum it up….the Ginger Man did not want to do anything I suggested but had no ideas of his own, which was frustrating to me because I’m a planner. He decided we should go to the movies – very original.
On the day of the date….the Ginger’s 15 minutes late. Whe he finally decides to grace me with his ginger presence, he's A LOT heavier in person than in ANY of his pictures (we’re talking the difference between a little chubby and overweight, people) and extremely socially awkward. Oh, and he’s one of those really sweaty, heavy-breathing overweight men. We watched a movie . Afterwards, I made it to my car as quickly as I could (without actually sprinting) so I could put an end to one of the most uncomfortable situations I’ve ever been in.
BUT REMEMBER….HE PAID!
Thanks for the movie Ginger Man. I hope you find a nice girl one day who enjoys watching cartoon movies as much as you do.
WOW is all I have to say!
NG
Is it 4:20?
Okay…so it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Apparently, I actually have to work at work and don’t have time for personal “business.” Lame, I know.
A few weeks ago I had my first date with an online boyfriend. It went well. Then I had a second date. It did not go so well. I’m 90% sure the dude was high…as in smoked marijuana before our date. Here are the clues:
Blood-shot eyes
Asked me the same question THREE times in a FIVE minute time span
Had trouble grasping simple concepts
Extreme thirst…in fact, he used the word “parched” about TEN times in the TEN minutes it took the waitress to bring our waters
At least he didn’t smell like he had been hitting the ganga, which is why I’m only 90% sure that he was high. I’m also 100% sure I dated a guy just like him right after I graduated from college. Several years later, still not a fan of the pot-head for dating purposes.
In his defense…he teaches junior high math...that’s enough to make me wish it was 4:20 too!!
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
A few weeks ago I had my first date with an online boyfriend. It went well. Then I had a second date. It did not go so well. I’m 90% sure the dude was high…as in smoked marijuana before our date. Here are the clues:
Blood-shot eyes
Asked me the same question THREE times in a FIVE minute time span
Had trouble grasping simple concepts
Extreme thirst…in fact, he used the word “parched” about TEN times in the TEN minutes it took the waitress to bring our waters
At least he didn’t smell like he had been hitting the ganga, which is why I’m only 90% sure that he was high. I’m also 100% sure I dated a guy just like him right after I graduated from college. Several years later, still not a fan of the pot-head for dating purposes.
In his defense…he teaches junior high math...that’s enough to make me wish it was 4:20 too!!
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Saturday, July 25, 2009
And No....
So this is the only photo posted on this guy's profile. Maybe instead of taking a "quick snapshot", he should have taken some time to put on a shirt and remove his gold chain. The fact that this guy wears a gold chain to the pool is enough to make me wonder where he is from and which one of his friends convinced him that looked good. I wish I could show you his eyes. He has those heavy eyelids and dark brown eyes. Kind of a Ben Stein meets the hot dog stand guy from New Jersey. I just wish someone would have taken him aside and told him that if you are only going to post one photo of yourself, try to portray yourself in the best light. Try smiling. Don't look like you're bored, posing in front of your regrigerator. Were you upset because you looked inside and realized that you were out of bologna?
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sunday, June 28, 2009
What Are You Thinking?
Oh yeah...now that's a portrait! Before you ask...yes he closed me. Once again...I've missed my chance at true happiness.Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
What's Winking at Me
This guy "winked" at me yesterday. Kind of reminded me of that birthday card that has the picture of the hot guy on the cover that says "what we're looking for" and on the inside, there's a picture of this guy that says "what's looking for us". Reminds me everyday why I'm still single. I'm trying to lower my standards...but not even I can go that low.
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
56 is a little out of my league
So...I'm checking my messages on Match.com and I received an email from a new guy...or should I say man. He was 56! And he starts the email with something along the lines of, "Wait don't hang up!" I think he actually said, I know I'm a "little" out of your age range, but before you write me off, you should know that my last girlfriend was 31. OH REALLY! Like that's supposed to make me feel better, cause now you're some kind of expert in younger women. Yuck dude. There are plenty of beautiful women in their 40's who are still too young for you. Why do old men think they deserve or can even keep up with a woman almost half their age? You know why you're single...because you have completely unrealistic expectations. Go to Luby's and hand out some business cards...you'll have better luck.
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sincerely,
NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!
CH
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A Few Good Men
Well I had my second date this week. I was very impressed. He called when he said he was going to. He remembered the days I had available and he made a suggestion on where to go. We met up at a sports bar to watch a game and have dinner and a few beers. He was on time, he had a nice smile and we had decent conversation. I didn't necessarily think that I was exactly what he was looking for nor was he the type that I normally go for either, but I was trying to be open-minded. He walked me out to the parking lot, gave me a hug, and I gave him a peck on the cheek. He paid for dinner afterall, which was very sweet, considering I offered to pay for my part. The following day, I sent him a quick note to let him know that I had a nice time and hoped that his dentist took it easy on him, since he mentioned that he had an appointment the next day. Later, in the afternoon, he replied with a simple note. "I had a good time too. But I do want to be honest up front. I enjoyed talking with you, but I really didn't feel the chemistry was there between us. You're a sweet girl and I really wish you the best in all this. Very nice to meet you..." I have to say, I wasn't totally surprised...I didn't feel the chemistry either, but for the first time in a long time, I was willing to try. I've always been accused of writing people off too soon and not giving them a chance. It's kind of ironic that the first time I was actually willing to go on a second date to see if anything developed, he would be the one to cut things off. I was actually kind of hurt. It surprised me a little. I think that no matter what you are feeling or not feeling towards another person, it always stings a little to hear that they are "not that into you". Even though there weren't any sparks, he was definetly more along the lines of the type of guy I've been looking for. A normal guy who likes to go watch a game and have a beer or catch a movie. Sometimes it's nice just to have someone to hang out with. Even though this date was a bust...it still restored my faith that there are a few good men out there. Maybe this one wasn't for me, but surely there's a few more around.
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys!
CH
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys!
CH
Carpet and The Drapes
Is this what they mean by does the carpet match the drapes?
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys!
CH
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Joel Osteen
This was one thing a guy online 'couldn't live without'. I'm not sure what to do with this information. Needed to share.
Bless his heart.
Bless Joel Osteen.
asp
Bless his heart.
Bless Joel Osteen.
asp
Squirrel Sighting... I think (an interactive post)
New Girl - This title was for you. To bring the rest of you up to speed... There are some things in this world that require code words. Squirrel = Mullet.
There is a guy I'm talking to online who may have a mullet. He's nice, cute, funny, tall and has a great smile... but maybe a mullet too. There is one picture, where the mullet is pretty obvious, but maybe he just needed a haircut. The rest of the pictures are straight on, so it's hard to tell what he might be hiding back there.
Here is where the interactive part comes into play...
If you have any brilliant ideas for how I can ask him via email if he has a mullet w/o being obvious, please comment on this post!
Suggestions already given and rejected:
Can I run my fingers through your hair?
Does the back of your neck tickle? Why or why not?
Help a sister out.
Bless his heart.
asp
There is a guy I'm talking to online who may have a mullet. He's nice, cute, funny, tall and has a great smile... but maybe a mullet too. There is one picture, where the mullet is pretty obvious, but maybe he just needed a haircut. The rest of the pictures are straight on, so it's hard to tell what he might be hiding back there.
Here is where the interactive part comes into play...
If you have any brilliant ideas for how I can ask him via email if he has a mullet w/o being obvious, please comment on this post!
Suggestions already given and rejected:
Can I run my fingers through your hair?
Does the back of your neck tickle? Why or why not?
Help a sister out.
Bless his heart.
asp
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Honorable Mentions of the Week
Guy who is waiting tables until he becomes a full-time Kung Fu instructor
Guy who had on a mock turtle neck in every picture in his profile
Guy who thought it would be "funny" to list his job as Professional Show Pony
Guy who put muddin, drinkin beer, and fixin his truck as interests multiple times on his profile
And my personal favorite.....
Guy who takes his own picture in his bathroom mirror with his cell phone
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
Guy who had on a mock turtle neck in every picture in his profile
Guy who thought it would be "funny" to list his job as Professional Show Pony
Guy who put muddin, drinkin beer, and fixin his truck as interests multiple times on his profile
And my personal favorite.....
Guy who takes his own picture in his bathroom mirror with his cell phone
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
????
Um, this was the only picture this guy posted with no caption/explanation. Maybe it’s his Halloween costume or maybe he’s Native American, either way I’m not going to find out because I was also rejected by this guy. He didn’t feel like the chemistry was there….at least he got one thing right.
WOW is all I have to say,
NG
HUZZAH!!
This guy thinks the Renaissance Festival is AMAZING and wants everyone to know it. He literally posted 12 pictures of himself and his friends dressed up at Ren Fest. There were several comments in his profile about the festival too. Interestingly enough, I was 'rejected' by this guy. I'm not really that sad about it.WOW is all I have to say,
NG
It's okay to love your pets.....
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Four Cocktails, One Guy, and Five Cats
I had my first online date tonight and it wasn't exactly a perfect ten. To start, he was late. I actually arrived ten minutes early so that I could prepare. Translation...consume enough vodka to calm my nerves before his arrival. Every time someone stepped into the bar, my stomach would leap into my throat. It wasn't until I looked down at my watch and I realized that it was 10 after and I was sitting at a bar, by myself, sipping on my third cocktail, that I began to consider that I could possibly be stood up. Just as I was about to pay my tab and walk away, he arrived. Now...he looked somewhat like his photos, enough that I recognized him, but it was pretty obvious that none of the photos were recent. He didn't look as old as I expected, but he wasn't exactly as attractive as I expected either. I tried to keep an open mind...maybe he had a great personality. We talked for about 30 minutes before I started checking my watch and looking for the exit. The guy was by trade a geologist and was extremely interested in rocks and minerals...an area that I have absolutely no interest. To make things worse he revealed that he has not one, not two, not three...but FIVE cats. And he named each of them after different types of minerals. To add insult to injury, when I tried to explain to him that I was allergic to cats, he mentioned that two of them were pretty old, so they would be dead soon. As if that would make a difference. At this point, I'd had about four cocktails and he wasn't getting any better looking or any more interesting. He started asking me questions like, "Where do we go from here?". I just sat there. I was so afraid to say something that might hurt his feelings, but I really didn't want to prolong the date any longer and he was totally hinting that he'd like to stay for dinner. Thankfully, my dog came to the rescue. I politely explained that I had only planned on having drinks and needed to get home to let my dog out. Thankfully he agreed. The piece de resistance however was when he stopped, while walking me out to the car, to pick up a giant rock off the ground and began to explain to me how that particular rock was created. He even took out his keys and began scraping the rock to try to further describe its individual properties. At some point, even he must have realized how painful this experience was becoming, because he stopped himself mid-sentence and looked up at what must have been a rather confused look on my face and apologized. I just smiled and said, "No problem. You're obviously very passionate about what you do". I think he knew I was being polite. He shook my hand, thanked me for meeting with him, and went on his way. He was a very nice guy, but like I said...four cocktail, one guy, and five cats...not exactly a perfect TEN.
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
My new Houston pocket friend
Are words necessary?
If this guy didn't fit so well on this tiny train (clearly under 5'5") I would totally date him. Seriously, I think it takes a special confidence and sense of humor to pull this off.
Maybe I'll fast track him to 'pocket friend'.
Bless his heart.
asp
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101
You may be in a career, such as practicing medicine or law, which requires CE or CLE courses (Continued Education) to maintain your license to practice. I believe that onlinedating.bomb users should enroll in CE courses as well. So, I’m starting them.
Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101
This week’s lesson is an in-depth look at one of the online dating tools that allows you to send a quick message or icebreaker to another onlinedating.bomb user. These quick messages can sometimes be vague and confusing, so I’ve provided a list of actual messages from one of these sites with definitions.
What you receive: I’d love to get to know you quicker. Can we try FastTrack?
What they’re really saying: I only signed up for three months because I got an online deal. My membership’s about to expire and I want to get your number or email quick before I have to make another payment. OR I’ll kill myself if I have to answer another multiple choice question or tell someone else ‘when I am most afraid’. Can we please just send messages back and forth like normal adults?
Recommendation: He’s fiscally responsible. This is a good thing. Respond. Just be prepared to pay on the first date or meet the cheap bastard at McDonalds.
What you receive: Thanks for verifying your ID. I’d like to get to know you.
What they’re really saying: My last girlfriend was a crazy bitch stalker and I currently sleep with a bat under my bed, only give out a P.O Box for my address, and generally live in a state of distrust. Don’t call me, I’ll call you (from the payphone across town). I’ll be asking to see your driver’s license when we meet for the first time. No offense. (This translation also applies to “I’ve loved our online chats, can we talk on the phone soon with Secure Chat?”)
Recommendation: Respond if you think having to watch your back for the crazy bitch stalker ex-girlfriend is just the type of excitement you’ve been looking for in a date.
What you receive: Let’s get to know each other better on-line before we talk on the phone.
What they’re really saying: I’m a moron, and can’t find out how to start communicating with you online. All I could find was this icebreaker button and I’m hoping you’ll pick up the ball. (This translation also applies to ‘Let’s get to know each other using Guided Communication first.’, ‘Your profile got my attention… let’s chat.’, ‘Would you like to chat?’, and ‘I’d love to chat!’)
Recommendation: Respond if they are cute. Even if he is a moron, he’ll still be nice to look at across the dinner table. And…He might just be computer illiterate, but smart in all other areas of life! Give him a chance!
What you receive: Wink!
What they’re really saying: It’s a test. It’s the onlinedating.bomb version of 4th grade ‘check yes or no’ notes.
Recommendation: Respond. Wink back = yes. Close contact = no.
What you receive: Great pic… would love to see more photo’s.
What they’re really saying: You have to do a little self discovery to identify the true meaning of this one. Check out your picture and translate accordingly:
If headshot, he’s saying: I want to see a full body shot to see how many extra pounds you are packing. (Remember: It’s not clear at this point if he’s voting for or against the extra poundage.)
If group shot, he’s saying: Please don’t be the girl in the Birkenstocks. OR The pic of you in the group shot is too small. Do you have Mountain Dew mouth? I need proof.
Other possibilities: I think your picture is 10 years old. OR I know from previous experience that some really ugly people can take one great shot and I want to make sure I’m not viewing your one shot of cuteness. OR I’m a perv and I’m hoping you’ll post something with less clothing.
What you receive: Love your smile!
Recomendation: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a beautiful smile.
What you receive: Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’
What they’re really saying: I can’t even commit to an online relationship with you. A ‘wink’ or the thought of asking for communication gave me a panic attack.
Recommendation: Date him. He has a soft heart. He’ll do what you say.
What you receive: Your profile caught my attention… would love to see a photo.
What they’re really saying: You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. This is a valuable basic childhood rule that we should all apply to on-line dating.
Recommendation: This person didn’t automatically assume you are a dog and close you. They are a good person. Post your picture and cross your fingers. Good luck!
What you receive: It seems we live close to each other, let’s talk!
What they’re really saying: I don’t have a car.
Recommendation: What the hell, go for it. They are less likely to sneak out on you in social situations and you might enjoy learning more about your city’s public transportation options.
What you receive: Your profile brought a smile to my face.
What they’re really saying: You are an incredible writer. Good job on your on-line profile. However, I am still a wimp, and too shy to start communication myself.
Recommendation: Give them time, they are honest and not afraid to compliment. They may come around. ;)
What you receive: You seem interesting. Why don’t you finish your About Me questions?
What they’re really saying: I’ve been online for 6 months and you are my only match. I’m really hoping we can find some common ground and give this a go.
Recommendation: Go for it. Just know this person may have also been the last to be picked for dodge ball and may have some pent-up emotions.
Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101
This week’s lesson is an in-depth look at one of the online dating tools that allows you to send a quick message or icebreaker to another onlinedating.bomb user. These quick messages can sometimes be vague and confusing, so I’ve provided a list of actual messages from one of these sites with definitions.
What you receive: I’d love to get to know you quicker. Can we try FastTrack?
What they’re really saying: I only signed up for three months because I got an online deal. My membership’s about to expire and I want to get your number or email quick before I have to make another payment. OR I’ll kill myself if I have to answer another multiple choice question or tell someone else ‘when I am most afraid’. Can we please just send messages back and forth like normal adults?
Recommendation: He’s fiscally responsible. This is a good thing. Respond. Just be prepared to pay on the first date or meet the cheap bastard at McDonalds.
What you receive: Thanks for verifying your ID. I’d like to get to know you.
What they’re really saying: My last girlfriend was a crazy bitch stalker and I currently sleep with a bat under my bed, only give out a P.O Box for my address, and generally live in a state of distrust. Don’t call me, I’ll call you (from the payphone across town). I’ll be asking to see your driver’s license when we meet for the first time. No offense. (This translation also applies to “I’ve loved our online chats, can we talk on the phone soon with Secure Chat?”)
Recommendation: Respond if you think having to watch your back for the crazy bitch stalker ex-girlfriend is just the type of excitement you’ve been looking for in a date.
What you receive: Let’s get to know each other better on-line before we talk on the phone.
What they’re really saying: I’m a moron, and can’t find out how to start communicating with you online. All I could find was this icebreaker button and I’m hoping you’ll pick up the ball. (This translation also applies to ‘Let’s get to know each other using Guided Communication first.’, ‘Your profile got my attention… let’s chat.’, ‘Would you like to chat?’, and ‘I’d love to chat!’)
Recommendation: Respond if they are cute. Even if he is a moron, he’ll still be nice to look at across the dinner table. And…He might just be computer illiterate, but smart in all other areas of life! Give him a chance!
What you receive: Wink!
What they’re really saying: It’s a test. It’s the onlinedating.bomb version of 4th grade ‘check yes or no’ notes.
Recommendation: Respond. Wink back = yes. Close contact = no.
What you receive: Great pic… would love to see more photo’s.
What they’re really saying: You have to do a little self discovery to identify the true meaning of this one. Check out your picture and translate accordingly:
If headshot, he’s saying: I want to see a full body shot to see how many extra pounds you are packing. (Remember: It’s not clear at this point if he’s voting for or against the extra poundage.)
If group shot, he’s saying: Please don’t be the girl in the Birkenstocks. OR The pic of you in the group shot is too small. Do you have Mountain Dew mouth? I need proof.
Other possibilities: I think your picture is 10 years old. OR I know from previous experience that some really ugly people can take one great shot and I want to make sure I’m not viewing your one shot of cuteness. OR I’m a perv and I’m hoping you’ll post something with less clothing.
What you receive: Love your smile!
Recomendation: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a beautiful smile.
What you receive: Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’
What they’re really saying: I can’t even commit to an online relationship with you. A ‘wink’ or the thought of asking for communication gave me a panic attack.
Recommendation: Date him. He has a soft heart. He’ll do what you say.
What you receive: Your profile caught my attention… would love to see a photo.
What they’re really saying: You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. This is a valuable basic childhood rule that we should all apply to on-line dating.
Recommendation: This person didn’t automatically assume you are a dog and close you. They are a good person. Post your picture and cross your fingers. Good luck!
What you receive: It seems we live close to each other, let’s talk!
What they’re really saying: I don’t have a car.
Recommendation: What the hell, go for it. They are less likely to sneak out on you in social situations and you might enjoy learning more about your city’s public transportation options.
What you receive: Your profile brought a smile to my face.
What they’re really saying: You are an incredible writer. Good job on your on-line profile. However, I am still a wimp, and too shy to start communication myself.
Recommendation: Give them time, they are honest and not afraid to compliment. They may come around. ;)
What you receive: You seem interesting. Why don’t you finish your About Me questions?
What they’re really saying: I’ve been online for 6 months and you are my only match. I’m really hoping we can find some common ground and give this a go.
Recommendation: Go for it. Just know this person may have also been the last to be picked for dodge ball and may have some pent-up emotions.
Bless their hearts.
asp
Pre-mature Open Communication
In online dating I have found that there are a lot of men that suffer from something I like to call "pre-mature open communication". One of the great things about online dating is that the individual sites allow you to chat with potential mates without sharing your personal information. However, I have found that many men are impatient and don't want to follow the steps of guided communication. They prefer that you give them your phone number or personal email address upfront. Instead of sending me questions like, "What do you like to do in your free time?" or "What qualities are you looking for?", I get questions like, "Wanna be my next date? Call me at 512-555-5555." I usually respond with something like, "What happened to your last one?" That usually confuses them. Believe it or not, I actually want to answers their questions and I'd prefer they answer mine, before I give them my home phone number. That way, if I decide we don't have anything in common and want to close the match or discontinue communication, I don't have to worry about hearing from them again. I understand that it can be annoying to have to check multiple accounts throughout the day and you may prefer that I just email your gmail account, but I don't need to be added to your group list so I can begin receiving even more annoying forwards than I'm already getting. I'll give you my personal info when I'm ready and at least reasonably convinced that you're not a crazy stalker. In conclusion, pre-mature open communication can be avoided if you take things slow, don't get too excited, and wait until the time is right for both individuals involved.
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
Monday, June 1, 2009
Texter
So the first guy that I actually started talking to, who seemed normal, decided the best way to get to know me was to send me random movie quotes in the middle of the day like:
"I'm so pissed!! I lost 3 dumb ass friends today, 1 at McDonalds, 1 at Walmart and where the Fuck R U?? I TOLD YA'LL TO HOLD HANDS!"
When I didn't respond right away he sent me this message:
"Bueller? Bueller?"
As if that weren't enough, last week he sent me this gem (all via text message mind you):
IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY SCOLL DOWN!
NOT NOW DUMBASS!! I SAID IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY! Now send to another dumbass.
Yeah...I don't think it's going to work out. Apparently I'm a dumbass.
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
"I'm so pissed!! I lost 3 dumb ass friends today, 1 at McDonalds, 1 at Walmart and where the Fuck R U?? I TOLD YA'LL TO HOLD HANDS!"
When I didn't respond right away he sent me this message:
"Bueller? Bueller?"
As if that weren't enough, last week he sent me this gem (all via text message mind you):
IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY SCOLL DOWN!
NOT NOW DUMBASS!! I SAID IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY! Now send to another dumbass.
Yeah...I don't think it's going to work out. Apparently I'm a dumbass.
Sincerely,
Not into AWESOME guys
CH
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Our Children Would be Blind
There is a pretty good list provided to select 'reasons why' when you close someone, but I've found a few important ones are missing...
... I'll let you know if I think of more.
Bless their hearts.
ASP
- Our Children Would be Blind. (I have really bad eyesight, so if I see that anyone is visually impaired in any way, i'm really doing a service to humanity by closing them.)
- Too short/Too tall. (They really missed the ball on this one. They do have 'I feel the distance between us is too great' and I've selected that one a few times for this situation, mostly for my own entertainment, but I don't know that I'm getting the message across clearly.)
- Not picking up what you're putting down. (Simple. To the point. I like it.)
... I'll let you know if I think of more.
Bless their hearts.
ASP
Monday, May 25, 2009
5 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT INTERNET DATING
Out of the OnlineDating.Bomb ladies blogging about their experiences, I am the newest. I’ve seriously been internet dating for like a week…really. Consider me the New Girl. I’m still not completely sure why I signed up....maybe out of curiosity, maybe to join in all the “fun” my friends were having, maybe to get a free meal or two, maybe because I got a deal I couldn’t pass up. Who knows, hopefully my $40 won’t go to waste….and even if it does, that’s okay too. Here are a few observations from the first week of internet dating –
1. If you say the greatest thing about you is your smile, it’s probably a good idea to post of picture of yourself actually smiling. Seems simple, but a lot people are missing the mark on this.
2. Why do so many single guys have multiple cats? Or just cats period?
3. Be wary of people who describe themselves as “physically fit.” Take a close look at their picture and decide for yourself.
4. Short and simple is great in most cases. I try to follow this rule myself, BUT sometimes an explanation is a little necessary. Here’s a real life example:
QUESTION: What is something people notice about you?
RANDOM GUY’S ANSWER: My voice.
That’s it?! Nothing else?! I’m sure there is some reason WHY people notice “your voice” so you should go ahead and write why to prevent women from completely deleting your profile and forgetting they ever read a word about you. Keep in mind that I saw of picture of this guy….tall (that’s good, right?), skinny (BTW he described himself as “physically fit” see #4 for the warning about that), very pale, an dsome other boring stuff I won't even take the energy to type. He seemed to have a great job…if he wasn’t lying or embellishing. After the weird answer to a seemingly straight-forward question…well, I’m sure he is a very lovely person that I’m just not interested in knowing more about any longer. Less is not always more.
5. I AM SUPER JUDGE-Y! I can’t imagine this is going to work to my advantage. Definitely going to have to work on this over the next few weeks (okay maybe months)!
I’m going to try to keep an open mind to the whole experience. I look forward to meeting potential dates and maybe a few weirdos every once in a while. After all, OnlineDating.Bomb just wouldn’t be as entertaining without the losers!
New Girl
Out of the OnlineDating.Bomb ladies blogging about their experiences, I am the newest. I’ve seriously been internet dating for like a week…really. Consider me the New Girl. I’m still not completely sure why I signed up....maybe out of curiosity, maybe to join in all the “fun” my friends were having, maybe to get a free meal or two, maybe because I got a deal I couldn’t pass up. Who knows, hopefully my $40 won’t go to waste….and even if it does, that’s okay too. Here are a few observations from the first week of internet dating –
1. If you say the greatest thing about you is your smile, it’s probably a good idea to post of picture of yourself actually smiling. Seems simple, but a lot people are missing the mark on this.
2. Why do so many single guys have multiple cats? Or just cats period?
3. Be wary of people who describe themselves as “physically fit.” Take a close look at their picture and decide for yourself.
4. Short and simple is great in most cases. I try to follow this rule myself, BUT sometimes an explanation is a little necessary. Here’s a real life example:
QUESTION: What is something people notice about you?
RANDOM GUY’S ANSWER: My voice.
That’s it?! Nothing else?! I’m sure there is some reason WHY people notice “your voice” so you should go ahead and write why to prevent women from completely deleting your profile and forgetting they ever read a word about you. Keep in mind that I saw of picture of this guy….tall (that’s good, right?), skinny (BTW he described himself as “physically fit” see #4 for the warning about that), very pale, an dsome other boring stuff I won't even take the energy to type. He seemed to have a great job…if he wasn’t lying or embellishing. After the weird answer to a seemingly straight-forward question…well, I’m sure he is a very lovely person that I’m just not interested in knowing more about any longer. Less is not always more.
5. I AM SUPER JUDGE-Y! I can’t imagine this is going to work to my advantage. Definitely going to have to work on this over the next few weeks (okay maybe months)!
I’m going to try to keep an open mind to the whole experience. I look forward to meeting potential dates and maybe a few weirdos every once in a while. After all, OnlineDating.Bomb just wouldn’t be as entertaining without the losers!
New Girl
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Bluebonnet photos aren't just for kids at Easter anymore...
Meet Mr. Bluebonnet.
Oh yes, this is his real blog picture. Under further inspection, I discovered that he likes puppies, stuffed animals, and 'funny sentiments from little kids'.
Good to know that online dating also serves as a creative outlet for friends and their clever practical jokes. We hope Mr. Bluebonnet has pasted his friends' photos on craig's list by now offering affordable customized massages (with their work and personal numbers posted).
(On a side note, although entertained, I am slightly mystified as to why e-harmony decided we were a good match... I'll get back to you on that one.)
Bless his heart. - ASP
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Busted...
So, I went on a 'meet and greet' last night with 'Super Tall'. The plan was to meet late (which was nice because I've been trying to stay on my workout schedule - after taking time off of working out from 1997 to 2007, I've got some catching up to do). We met at a local sports bar.
Positives about the date: I got princess parking, ST (if you didn't guess from the name) was taller than me, nice smile, funny, we caught a GREAT Cleveland/Orlando game, I beat him at pool (3 times), and he likes queso.
Negatives about the date: He didn't pay (I realize I shouldn't expect it, but I do, and come on... My sandwich cost 7 dollars!!!!), he thought he had to 'let me win' in the beginning of the pool game, unfortunately it felt 'friendly' all night, AND drumroll please... he got BUSTED!
BUSTED = We left the bar at the same time, around 10:30pm, because the game had ended and we both had an early workday the following morning. Walk to our cars, hug goodbye, split. After pulling out of the lot and getting on the road, who do I see in my headlights jetting across the road? SuperTall has walked to his car, waited 1 minute, and is now going BACK INTO THE BAR! What happened to, "I'm going to have another drink if you'd like to stay, but I understand you have an early morning." I'm not so annoyed that he had plans for more fun w/o me, since it was clearly not a match made in heaven... but it was so decieving, and I thought, a jackass move.
Lesson to be learned: If you have plans to ditch your date early, don't let her catch your ass in her headlights on your way back into the bar. Next time, sit in your car for at least 5 minutes, consider the deceit, then go have a drink and be merry... ditched date, none the wiser.
Bless his heart.
asp
Positives about the date: I got princess parking, ST (if you didn't guess from the name) was taller than me, nice smile, funny, we caught a GREAT Cleveland/Orlando game, I beat him at pool (3 times), and he likes queso.
Negatives about the date: He didn't pay (I realize I shouldn't expect it, but I do, and come on... My sandwich cost 7 dollars!!!!), he thought he had to 'let me win' in the beginning of the pool game, unfortunately it felt 'friendly' all night, AND drumroll please... he got BUSTED!
BUSTED = We left the bar at the same time, around 10:30pm, because the game had ended and we both had an early workday the following morning. Walk to our cars, hug goodbye, split. After pulling out of the lot and getting on the road, who do I see in my headlights jetting across the road? SuperTall has walked to his car, waited 1 minute, and is now going BACK INTO THE BAR! What happened to, "I'm going to have another drink if you'd like to stay, but I understand you have an early morning." I'm not so annoyed that he had plans for more fun w/o me, since it was clearly not a match made in heaven... but it was so decieving, and I thought, a jackass move.
Lesson to be learned: If you have plans to ditch your date early, don't let her catch your ass in her headlights on your way back into the bar. Next time, sit in your car for at least 5 minutes, consider the deceit, then go have a drink and be merry... ditched date, none the wiser.
Bless his heart.
asp
Internet Dating, Do you Dare? - What Dr. Phil won't share...
I thought I'd add a little article from my personal archives. Here is a 'personal development' piece for men that I wrote after my 2nd round of internet dating. FYI: If you wait long enough, eharmony sends you 'deals' where you can sign up for 3 months at a time, for about $11-$15/month. For the entertainment alone, the money is well spent. So, yes, this is now my third time to try internetdating.bomb. I hope you enjoy the following:
Internet Dating, Do you Dare? – What Dr. Phil won’t share…
Help a sister out and educate your single male friends. Here are a few tips to follow if you are sincere about not creeping out your fellow internet daters…
(3) Read vs. Said.
Be mindful of the fact that ‘things said’ come off differently than ‘things read’. Some stories really need a ‘smiling face’ for people to know you are a kind person and not evil. This is especially important for those with a sarcastic sense of humor. I’ll take this moment to also note that you should be careful with the ‘pop references’. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” just doesn’t sound as funny to someone who doesn’t listen to rap… they leave, not only concerned that you have professed your love for them, but that you poke fun at overweight children.
(2) Grammar. Just use it. Rethink any sentence starting with “We was…”.
(1) Pictures… the most important lesson. Put your best foot forward. Never, under any
circumstances, take a series of pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror for your profile. If, in dire need, you have no option, no friends to call for help, and no other pictures available… please check that the lighting is not creepy, there are not glimpses of your dirty shower curtain behind you, and do not use the flash (it is a mirror, afterall!). Smile! Nothing says ‘date me’ like a man standing next to his toilet with a deadpan look on his face. Now that you have your bathroom picture, please do the following (this is an important step that many forget)… crop out the camera before posting!!! Also remember the importance of using a current photo. If your jeans are stone washed and your hair is thick and slightly poofier than current fashion standards allow… we know you have posted a picture from 2 decades ago. Go with a current photo… we’ll find out soon enough!
Bless their hearts.
asp
Internet Dating, Do you Dare? – What Dr. Phil won’t share…
Help a sister out and educate your single male friends. Here are a few tips to follow if you are sincere about not creeping out your fellow internet daters…
(3) Read vs. Said.
Be mindful of the fact that ‘things said’ come off differently than ‘things read’. Some stories really need a ‘smiling face’ for people to know you are a kind person and not evil. This is especially important for those with a sarcastic sense of humor. I’ll take this moment to also note that you should be careful with the ‘pop references’. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” just doesn’t sound as funny to someone who doesn’t listen to rap… they leave, not only concerned that you have professed your love for them, but that you poke fun at overweight children.
(2) Grammar. Just use it. Rethink any sentence starting with “We was…”.
(1) Pictures… the most important lesson. Put your best foot forward. Never, under any
circumstances, take a series of pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror for your profile. If, in dire need, you have no option, no friends to call for help, and no other pictures available… please check that the lighting is not creepy, there are not glimpses of your dirty shower curtain behind you, and do not use the flash (it is a mirror, afterall!). Smile! Nothing says ‘date me’ like a man standing next to his toilet with a deadpan look on his face. Now that you have your bathroom picture, please do the following (this is an important step that many forget)… crop out the camera before posting!!! Also remember the importance of using a current photo. If your jeans are stone washed and your hair is thick and slightly poofier than current fashion standards allow… we know you have posted a picture from 2 decades ago. Go with a current photo… we’ll find out soon enough!
Bless their hearts.
asp
The beginning...
Ladies, all the ladies...
This blog is being created for you (and mostly for the entertainment of our friends). We hope a few men may read it too and gain some valuable insights before entering the world of online dating themselves.
Our story: Three friends with three different paths... but all have lead to the world of online dating. Here, we thought we could share our trials and tribulations for our friends. All names used in this blog will be nicknames made to protect the innocent and often hopeless morons we've had the chance to meet. We hope we'll have a few good stories in here as well. Although some stories may take on a very negative tone, please remember that we feel these events, where seriously poor decisions have been made, are the most entertaining and the most educational for anyone considering online dating, aka OnlineDating.Bomb.
More to come. Enjoy.
This blog is being created for you (and mostly for the entertainment of our friends). We hope a few men may read it too and gain some valuable insights before entering the world of online dating themselves.
Our story: Three friends with three different paths... but all have lead to the world of online dating. Here, we thought we could share our trials and tribulations for our friends. All names used in this blog will be nicknames made to protect the innocent and often hopeless morons we've had the chance to meet. We hope we'll have a few good stories in here as well. Although some stories may take on a very negative tone, please remember that we feel these events, where seriously poor decisions have been made, are the most entertaining and the most educational for anyone considering online dating, aka OnlineDating.Bomb.
More to come. Enjoy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)