What Are You Thinking?

Oh yeah...now that's a portrait! Before you ask...yes he closed me. Once again...I've missed my chance at true happiness.

Sincerely,

NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!

CH

What's Winking at Me

This guy "winked" at me yesterday. Kind of reminded me of that birthday card that has the picture of the hot guy on the cover that says "what we're looking for" and on the inside, there's a picture of this guy that says "what's looking for us". Reminds me everyday why I'm still single. I'm trying to lower my standards...but not even I can go that low.

Sincerely,

NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!

CH

56 is a little out of my league

So...I'm checking my messages on Match.com and I received an email from a new guy...or should I say man. He was 56! And he starts the email with something along the lines of, "Wait don't hang up!" I think he actually said, I know I'm a "little" out of your age range, but before you write me off, you should know that my last girlfriend was 31. OH REALLY! Like that's supposed to make me feel better, cause now you're some kind of expert in younger women. Yuck dude. There are plenty of beautiful women in their 40's who are still too young for you. Why do old men think they deserve or can even keep up with a woman almost half their age? You know why you're single...because you have completely unrealistic expectations. Go to Luby's and hand out some business cards...you'll have better luck.

Sincerely,

NOT INTO AWESOME GUYS!

CH

A Few Good Men

Well I had my second date this week. I was very impressed. He called when he said he was going to. He remembered the days I had available and he made a suggestion on where to go. We met up at a sports bar to watch a game and have dinner and a few beers. He was on time, he had a nice smile and we had decent conversation. I didn't necessarily think that I was exactly what he was looking for nor was he the type that I normally go for either, but I was trying to be open-minded. He walked me out to the parking lot, gave me a hug, and I gave him a peck on the cheek. He paid for dinner afterall, which was very sweet, considering I offered to pay for my part. The following day, I sent him a quick note to let him know that I had a nice time and hoped that his dentist took it easy on him, since he mentioned that he had an appointment the next day. Later, in the afternoon, he replied with a simple note. "I had a good time too. But I do want to be honest up front. I enjoyed talking with you, but I really didn't feel the chemistry was there between us. You're a sweet girl and I really wish you the best in all this. Very nice to meet you..." I have to say, I wasn't totally surprised...I didn't feel the chemistry either, but for the first time in a long time, I was willing to try. I've always been accused of writing people off too soon and not giving them a chance. It's kind of ironic that the first time I was actually willing to go on a second date to see if anything developed, he would be the one to cut things off. I was actually kind of hurt. It surprised me a little. I think that no matter what you are feeling or not feeling towards another person, it always stings a little to hear that they are "not that into you". Even though there weren't any sparks, he was definetly more along the lines of the type of guy I've been looking for. A normal guy who likes to go watch a game and have a beer or catch a movie. Sometimes it's nice just to have someone to hang out with. Even though this date was a bust...it still restored my faith that there are a few good men out there. Maybe this one wasn't for me, but surely there's a few more around.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys!

CH

Carpet and The Drapes

Is this what they mean by does the carpet match the drapes?

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys!

CH

Joel Osteen

This was one thing a guy online 'couldn't live without'. I'm not sure what to do with this information. Needed to share.

Bless his heart.
Bless Joel Osteen.
asp

Squirrel Sighting... I think (an interactive post)

New Girl - This title was for you. To bring the rest of you up to speed... There are some things in this world that require code words. Squirrel = Mullet.

There is a guy I'm talking to online who may have a mullet. He's nice, cute, funny, tall and has a great smile... but maybe a mullet too. There is one picture, where the mullet is pretty obvious, but maybe he just needed a haircut. The rest of the pictures are straight on, so it's hard to tell what he might be hiding back there.

Here is where the interactive part comes into play...
If you have any brilliant ideas for how I can ask him via email if he has a mullet w/o being obvious, please comment on this post!

Suggestions already given and rejected:
Can I run my fingers through your hair?
Does the back of your neck tickle? Why or why not?

Help a sister out.
Bless his heart.
asp

Honorable Mentions of the Week

Guy who is waiting tables until he becomes a full-time Kung Fu instructor

Guy who had on a mock turtle neck in every picture in his profile

Guy who thought it would be "funny" to list his job as Professional Show Pony

Guy who put muddin, drinkin beer, and fixin his truck as interests multiple times on his profile

And my personal favorite.....
Guy who takes his own picture in his bathroom mirror with his cell phone


WOW is all I have to say,
NG

????

Um, this was the only picture this guy posted with no caption/explanation. Maybe it’s his Halloween costume or maybe he’s Native American, either way I’m not going to find out because I was also rejected by this guy. He didn’t feel like the chemistry was there….at least he got one thing right.



WOW is all I have to say,
NG

HUZZAH!!

This guy thinks the Renaissance Festival is AMAZING and wants everyone to know it. He literally posted 12 pictures of himself and his friends dressed up at Ren Fest. There were several comments in his profile about the festival too. Interestingly enough, I was 'rejected' by this guy. I'm not really that sad about it.





WOW is all I have to say,
NG

It's okay to love your pets.....

Just don't LOVE your pets....and I think you know what I'm talking about. Also, it would be great to NOT put several pictures of you and your dog in a compromising position when you are trying to get a date.

WOW is all I have to say,
New Girl

Four Cocktails, One Guy, and Five Cats

I had my first online date tonight and it wasn't exactly a perfect ten. To start, he was late. I actually arrived ten minutes early so that I could prepare. Translation...consume enough vodka to calm my nerves before his arrival. Every time someone stepped into the bar, my stomach would leap into my throat. It wasn't until I looked down at my watch and I realized that it was 10 after and I was sitting at a bar, by myself, sipping on my third cocktail, that I began to consider that I could possibly be stood up. Just as I was about to pay my tab and walk away, he arrived. Now...he looked somewhat like his photos, enough that I recognized him, but it was pretty obvious that none of the photos were recent. He didn't look as old as I expected, but he wasn't exactly as attractive as I expected either. I tried to keep an open mind...maybe he had a great personality. We talked for about 30 minutes before I started checking my watch and looking for the exit. The guy was by trade a geologist and was extremely interested in rocks and minerals...an area that I have absolutely no interest. To make things worse he revealed that he has not one, not two, not three...but FIVE cats. And he named each of them after different types of minerals. To add insult to injury, when I tried to explain to him that I was allergic to cats, he mentioned that two of them were pretty old, so they would be dead soon. As if that would make a difference. At this point, I'd had about four cocktails and he wasn't getting any better looking or any more interesting. He started asking me questions like, "Where do we go from here?". I just sat there. I was so afraid to say something that might hurt his feelings, but I really didn't want to prolong the date any longer and he was totally hinting that he'd like to stay for dinner. Thankfully, my dog came to the rescue. I politely explained that I had only planned on having drinks and needed to get home to let my dog out. Thankfully he agreed. The piece de resistance however was when he stopped, while walking me out to the car, to pick up a giant rock off the ground and began to explain to me how that particular rock was created. He even took out his keys and began scraping the rock to try to further describe its individual properties. At some point, even he must have realized how painful this experience was becoming, because he stopped himself mid-sentence and looked up at what must have been a rather confused look on my face and apologized. I just smiled and said, "No problem. You're obviously very passionate about what you do". I think he knew I was being polite. He shook my hand, thanked me for meeting with him, and went on his way. He was a very nice guy, but like I said...four cocktail, one guy, and five cats...not exactly a perfect TEN.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

My new Houston pocket friend

Are words necessary?

If this guy didn't fit so well on this tiny train (clearly under 5'5") I would totally date him. Seriously, I think it takes a special confidence and sense of humor to pull this off.

Maybe I'll fast track him to 'pocket friend'.

Bless his heart.

asp

Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101

You may be in a career, such as practicing medicine or law, which requires CE or CLE courses (Continued Education) to maintain your license to practice. I believe that onlinedating.bomb users should enroll in CE courses as well. So, I’m starting them.

Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101

This week’s lesson is an in-depth look at one of the online dating tools that allows you to send a quick message or icebreaker to another onlinedating.bomb user. These quick messages can sometimes be vague and confusing, so I’ve provided a list of actual messages from one of these sites with definitions.

What you receive: I’d love to get to know you quicker. Can we try FastTrack?
What they’re really saying: I only signed up for three months because I got an online deal. My membership’s about to expire and I want to get your number or email quick before I have to make another payment. OR I’ll kill myself if I have to answer another multiple choice question or tell someone else ‘when I am most afraid’. Can we please just send messages back and forth like normal adults?
Recommendation: He’s fiscally responsible. This is a good thing. Respond. Just be prepared to pay on the first date or meet the cheap bastard at McDonalds.

What you receive: Thanks for verifying your ID. I’d like to get to know you.
What they’re really saying: My last girlfriend was a crazy bitch stalker and I currently sleep with a bat under my bed, only give out a P.O Box for my address, and generally live in a state of distrust. Don’t call me, I’ll call you (from the payphone across town). I’ll be asking to see your driver’s license when we meet for the first time. No offense. (This translation also applies to “I’ve loved our online chats, can we talk on the phone soon with Secure Chat?”)
Recommendation: Respond if you think having to watch your back for the crazy bitch stalker ex-girlfriend is just the type of excitement you’ve been looking for in a date.

What you receive: Let’s get to know each other better on-line before we talk on the phone.
What they’re really saying: I’m a moron, and can’t find out how to start communicating with you online. All I could find was this icebreaker button and I’m hoping you’ll pick up the ball. (This translation also applies to ‘Let’s get to know each other using Guided Communication first.’, ‘Your profile got my attention… let’s chat.’, ‘Would you like to chat?’, and ‘I’d love to chat!’)
Recommendation: Respond if they are cute. Even if he is a moron, he’ll still be nice to look at across the dinner table. And…He might just be computer illiterate, but smart in all other areas of life! Give him a chance!

What you receive: Wink!
What they’re really saying: It’s a test. It’s the onlinedating.bomb version of 4th grade ‘check yes or no’ notes.
Recommendation: Respond. Wink back = yes. Close contact = no.

What you receive: Great pic… would love to see more photo’s.
What they’re really saying: You have to do a little self discovery to identify the true meaning of this one. Check out your picture and translate accordingly:
If headshot, he’s saying: I want to see a full body shot to see how many extra pounds you are packing. (Remember: It’s not clear at this point if he’s voting for or against the extra poundage.)
If group shot, he’s saying: Please don’t be the girl in the Birkenstocks. OR The pic of you in the group shot is too small. Do you have Mountain Dew mouth? I need proof.
Other possibilities: I think your picture is 10 years old. OR I know from previous experience that some really ugly people can take one great shot and I want to make sure I’m not viewing your one shot of cuteness. OR I’m a perv and I’m hoping you’ll post something with less clothing.

What you receive: Love your smile!
Recomendation: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a beautiful smile.

What you receive: Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’
What they’re really saying: I can’t even commit to an online relationship with you. A ‘wink’ or the thought of asking for communication gave me a panic attack.
Recommendation: Date him. He has a soft heart. He’ll do what you say.

What you receive: Your profile caught my attention… would love to see a photo.
What they’re really saying: You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. This is a valuable basic childhood rule that we should all apply to on-line dating.
Recommendation: This person didn’t automatically assume you are a dog and close you. They are a good person. Post your picture and cross your fingers. Good luck!

What you receive: It seems we live close to each other, let’s talk!
What they’re really saying: I don’t have a car.
Recommendation: What the hell, go for it. They are less likely to sneak out on you in social situations and you might enjoy learning more about your city’s public transportation options.

What you receive: Your profile brought a smile to my face.
What they’re really saying: You are an incredible writer. Good job on your on-line profile. However, I am still a wimp, and too shy to start communication myself.
Recommendation: Give them time, they are honest and not afraid to compliment. They may come around. ;)

What you receive: You seem interesting. Why don’t you finish your About Me questions?
What they’re really saying: I’ve been online for 6 months and you are my only match. I’m really hoping we can find some common ground and give this a go.
Recommendation: Go for it. Just know this person may have also been the last to be picked for dodge ball and may have some pent-up emotions.

Bless their hearts.

asp

Pre-mature Open Communication

In online dating I have found that there are a lot of men that suffer from something I like to call "pre-mature open communication". One of the great things about online dating is that the individual sites allow you to chat with potential mates without sharing your personal information. However, I have found that many men are impatient and don't want to follow the steps of guided communication. They prefer that you give them your phone number or personal email address upfront. Instead of sending me questions like, "What do you like to do in your free time?" or "What qualities are you looking for?", I get questions like, "Wanna be my next date? Call me at 512-555-5555." I usually respond with something like, "What happened to your last one?" That usually confuses them. Believe it or not, I actually want to answers their questions and I'd prefer they answer mine, before I give them my home phone number. That way, if I decide we don't have anything in common and want to close the match or discontinue communication, I don't have to worry about hearing from them again. I understand that it can be annoying to have to check multiple accounts throughout the day and you may prefer that I just email your gmail account, but I don't need to be added to your group list so I can begin receiving even more annoying forwards than I'm already getting. I'll give you my personal info when I'm ready and at least reasonably convinced that you're not a crazy stalker. In conclusion, pre-mature open communication can be avoided if you take things slow, don't get too excited, and wait until the time is right for both individuals involved.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

Texter

So the first guy that I actually started talking to, who seemed normal, decided the best way to get to know me was to send me random movie quotes in the middle of the day like:

"I'm so pissed!! I lost 3 dumb ass friends today, 1 at McDonalds, 1 at Walmart and where the Fuck R U?? I TOLD YA'LL TO HOLD HANDS!"

When I didn't respond right away he sent me this message:

"Bueller? Bueller?"

As if that weren't enough, last week he sent me this gem (all via text message mind you):

IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY SCOLL DOWN!










NOT NOW DUMBASS!! I SAID IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY! Now send to another dumbass.


Yeah...I don't think it's going to work out. Apparently I'm a dumbass.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

Enough Said

Only photo available....all I needed to know.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

Too Bad

I really wanted to go out with this guy, but he was tragically smashed before we had a chance to meet. I’m always shocked at the photos people choose to post of themselves.

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

Creepy Men of the Week

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

So Many Reasons...So Little Time

Usually you just choose one reason to close a match, but this guy wanted to make sure that I knew he REALLY was not interested. Can you believe I wasn’t “his” type?

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH

I Like My Hat and My Gun

This fella sent me a wink this week. I checked out his profile and it seems that it is important to him that everyone know that he really loves his cowboy hat, black t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, his mustache and fire arms.

I’m flattered….but NO!

Sincerely,

Not into AWESOME guys

CH