You may be in a career, such as practicing medicine or law, which requires CE or CLE courses (Continued Education) to maintain your license to practice. I believe that onlinedating.bomb users should enroll in CE courses as well. So, I’m starting them.
Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101
This week’s lesson is an in-depth look at one of the online dating tools that allows you to send a quick message or icebreaker to another onlinedating.bomb user. These quick messages can sometimes be vague and confusing, so I’ve provided a list of actual messages from one of these sites with definitions.
What you receive: I’d love to get to know you quicker. Can we try FastTrack?
What they’re really saying: I only signed up for three months because I got an online deal. My membership’s about to expire and I want to get your number or email quick before I have to make another payment. OR I’ll kill myself if I have to answer another multiple choice question or tell someone else ‘when I am most afraid’. Can we please just send messages back and forth like normal adults?
Recommendation: He’s fiscally responsible. This is a good thing. Respond. Just be prepared to pay on the first date or meet the cheap bastard at McDonalds.
What you receive: Thanks for verifying your ID. I’d like to get to know you.
What they’re really saying: My last girlfriend was a crazy bitch stalker and I currently sleep with a bat under my bed, only give out a P.O Box for my address, and generally live in a state of distrust. Don’t call me, I’ll call you (from the payphone across town). I’ll be asking to see your driver’s license when we meet for the first time. No offense. (This translation also applies to “I’ve loved our online chats, can we talk on the phone soon with Secure Chat?”)
Recommendation: Respond if you think having to watch your back for the crazy bitch stalker ex-girlfriend is just the type of excitement you’ve been looking for in a date.
What you receive: Let’s get to know each other better on-line before we talk on the phone.
What they’re really saying: I’m a moron, and can’t find out how to start communicating with you online. All I could find was this icebreaker button and I’m hoping you’ll pick up the ball. (This translation also applies to ‘Let’s get to know each other using Guided Communication first.’, ‘Your profile got my attention… let’s chat.’, ‘Would you like to chat?’, and ‘I’d love to chat!’)
Recommendation: Respond if they are cute. Even if he is a moron, he’ll still be nice to look at across the dinner table. And…He might just be computer illiterate, but smart in all other areas of life! Give him a chance!
What you receive: Wink!
What they’re really saying: It’s a test. It’s the onlinedating.bomb version of 4th grade ‘check yes or no’ notes.
Recommendation: Respond. Wink back = yes. Close contact = no.
What you receive: Great pic… would love to see more photo’s.
What they’re really saying: You have to do a little self discovery to identify the true meaning of this one. Check out your picture and translate accordingly:
If headshot, he’s saying: I want to see a full body shot to see how many extra pounds you are packing. (Remember: It’s not clear at this point if he’s voting for or against the extra poundage.)
If group shot, he’s saying: Please don’t be the girl in the Birkenstocks. OR The pic of you in the group shot is too small. Do you have Mountain Dew mouth? I need proof.
Other possibilities: I think your picture is 10 years old. OR I know from previous experience that some really ugly people can take one great shot and I want to make sure I’m not viewing your one shot of cuteness. OR I’m a perv and I’m hoping you’ll post something with less clothing.
What you receive: Love your smile!
Recomendation: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a beautiful smile.
What you receive: Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’
What they’re really saying: I can’t even commit to an online relationship with you. A ‘wink’ or the thought of asking for communication gave me a panic attack.
Recommendation: Date him. He has a soft heart. He’ll do what you say.
What you receive: Your profile caught my attention… would love to see a photo.
What they’re really saying: You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. This is a valuable basic childhood rule that we should all apply to on-line dating.
Recommendation: This person didn’t automatically assume you are a dog and close you. They are a good person. Post your picture and cross your fingers. Good luck!
What you receive: It seems we live close to each other, let’s talk!
What they’re really saying: I don’t have a car.
Recommendation: What the hell, go for it. They are less likely to sneak out on you in social situations and you might enjoy learning more about your city’s public transportation options.
What you receive: Your profile brought a smile to my face.
What they’re really saying: You are an incredible writer. Good job on your on-line profile. However, I am still a wimp, and too shy to start communication myself.
Recommendation: Give them time, they are honest and not afraid to compliment. They may come around. ;)
What you receive: You seem interesting. Why don’t you finish your About Me questions?
What they’re really saying: I’ve been online for 6 months and you are my only match. I’m really hoping we can find some common ground and give this a go.
Recommendation: Go for it. Just know this person may have also been the last to be picked for dodge ball and may have some pent-up emotions.
Continued Education: Icebreaker Translations 101
This week’s lesson is an in-depth look at one of the online dating tools that allows you to send a quick message or icebreaker to another onlinedating.bomb user. These quick messages can sometimes be vague and confusing, so I’ve provided a list of actual messages from one of these sites with definitions.
What you receive: I’d love to get to know you quicker. Can we try FastTrack?
What they’re really saying: I only signed up for three months because I got an online deal. My membership’s about to expire and I want to get your number or email quick before I have to make another payment. OR I’ll kill myself if I have to answer another multiple choice question or tell someone else ‘when I am most afraid’. Can we please just send messages back and forth like normal adults?
Recommendation: He’s fiscally responsible. This is a good thing. Respond. Just be prepared to pay on the first date or meet the cheap bastard at McDonalds.
What you receive: Thanks for verifying your ID. I’d like to get to know you.
What they’re really saying: My last girlfriend was a crazy bitch stalker and I currently sleep with a bat under my bed, only give out a P.O Box for my address, and generally live in a state of distrust. Don’t call me, I’ll call you (from the payphone across town). I’ll be asking to see your driver’s license when we meet for the first time. No offense. (This translation also applies to “I’ve loved our online chats, can we talk on the phone soon with Secure Chat?”)
Recommendation: Respond if you think having to watch your back for the crazy bitch stalker ex-girlfriend is just the type of excitement you’ve been looking for in a date.
What you receive: Let’s get to know each other better on-line before we talk on the phone.
What they’re really saying: I’m a moron, and can’t find out how to start communicating with you online. All I could find was this icebreaker button and I’m hoping you’ll pick up the ball. (This translation also applies to ‘Let’s get to know each other using Guided Communication first.’, ‘Your profile got my attention… let’s chat.’, ‘Would you like to chat?’, and ‘I’d love to chat!’)
Recommendation: Respond if they are cute. Even if he is a moron, he’ll still be nice to look at across the dinner table. And…He might just be computer illiterate, but smart in all other areas of life! Give him a chance!
What you receive: Wink!
What they’re really saying: It’s a test. It’s the onlinedating.bomb version of 4th grade ‘check yes or no’ notes.
Recommendation: Respond. Wink back = yes. Close contact = no.
What you receive: Great pic… would love to see more photo’s.
What they’re really saying: You have to do a little self discovery to identify the true meaning of this one. Check out your picture and translate accordingly:
If headshot, he’s saying: I want to see a full body shot to see how many extra pounds you are packing. (Remember: It’s not clear at this point if he’s voting for or against the extra poundage.)
If group shot, he’s saying: Please don’t be the girl in the Birkenstocks. OR The pic of you in the group shot is too small. Do you have Mountain Dew mouth? I need proof.
Other possibilities: I think your picture is 10 years old. OR I know from previous experience that some really ugly people can take one great shot and I want to make sure I’m not viewing your one shot of cuteness. OR I’m a perv and I’m hoping you’ll post something with less clothing.
What you receive: Love your smile!
Recomendation: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You have a beautiful smile.
What you receive: Just wanted to say ‘Hi!’
What they’re really saying: I can’t even commit to an online relationship with you. A ‘wink’ or the thought of asking for communication gave me a panic attack.
Recommendation: Date him. He has a soft heart. He’ll do what you say.
What you receive: Your profile caught my attention… would love to see a photo.
What they’re really saying: You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. This is a valuable basic childhood rule that we should all apply to on-line dating.
Recommendation: This person didn’t automatically assume you are a dog and close you. They are a good person. Post your picture and cross your fingers. Good luck!
What you receive: It seems we live close to each other, let’s talk!
What they’re really saying: I don’t have a car.
Recommendation: What the hell, go for it. They are less likely to sneak out on you in social situations and you might enjoy learning more about your city’s public transportation options.
What you receive: Your profile brought a smile to my face.
What they’re really saying: You are an incredible writer. Good job on your on-line profile. However, I am still a wimp, and too shy to start communication myself.
Recommendation: Give them time, they are honest and not afraid to compliment. They may come around. ;)
What you receive: You seem interesting. Why don’t you finish your About Me questions?
What they’re really saying: I’ve been online for 6 months and you are my only match. I’m really hoping we can find some common ground and give this a go.
Recommendation: Go for it. Just know this person may have also been the last to be picked for dodge ball and may have some pent-up emotions.
Bless their hearts.
asp
I laughed audibly. Bless their hearts indeed.
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